• Aether Noir: Logs, links, and descriptions related to an April Fool's day prank.
• Aether: High Noon: For April Fool's 2001, Aether changed its theme to the Wild West. Links and other information is available on this page.
• Aether MUSH Purity Test: Nox's player put together this purity test, so that you can rate how "pure" your character is -- or how impure!
• Oscars: Aether holds its own version of the Academy Awards.
• Pictures: Humorous drawings and artwork, poking fun at various characters.
• Quotes: Quotes gleaned from logs and channel-chat that's sure to elicit a chuckle.
• Songs and Stories:Goofy songs, stories, and skits submitted by players and staff.
• Miscellaneous Tidbits: Miscellaneous links and other fun stuff.

Pictures:

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words, and the case is true in comedy as well as art. So here are some caricatures, cartoons, and other spoofs about Aether-related stuff.

(57K) I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd be real scared to see this guy come shooting down my chimney...

(69K) The grandeur, the romance, the intrigue, the scandals, the saga... one family's struggle during a glittering era, when wars were fought, and empires were won and lost. Coming soon, to a theater near you! (Created by Selene's player).

Behzad Logo: 3k

Behzad, one of the Varati kshatri Clans, uphold honor, tradition, loyalty, and... cute, fuzzy bears? By Sakhr.

Cassius: 45k

A quick caricature of Cassius, who fancies himself something of a "Casanova" (or Cashanova, as the case may be). By Astraea.

Cupid: 28k

Stick Altair in a skimpy toga, hand him a bow, and voila! He's Cupid! By Andromache.

Khalid: 83k

In retaliation for the teasing Cassius has undergone, his player drew this picture of Khalid Atar. Sometimes, even God-kings need a change...

Wings of Desire: 60k

An Aether romance novel? Stranger things have happened... check out this spoof of a romance cover, arranged by Astraea.

Here is Aether's version of those popular ads featuring various celebrities sporting a prominent milk mustache. Created by Lyranthe@Aether.

And here's another.... (created by Lyranthe@Aether)

This sign, arranged by Tun, might decorate the entrance to Civitas Dei.

Yet another creation by Tun -- a possible logo for the type of chariot that might be favored by Empyreans.

Quotes:

These quotes have been collected from various online paged conversations, channel-chat, roleplay, and so on. Feel free to submit more, but let's try not to embarrass anyone too much!

Livia gives her abridged version of the Saga of the Lonely Misfit:

And I think a lot of people don't have a sense of building a story over a length of time. Everything happens immediately, in the first scene. Introduction > Revelation > Climax. So that there is nothing left to sustain the action in future scenes.
Example:
Tall dark dangerous guy sits alone at the bar. He leans over his drink, doesn't raise his gaze. He's brooding.
In the tavern door comes Beautiful Wench. She's voluptuous, dressed to kill, and alone. Just like Brooding guy. But she's innocent, happy, and full of fire. She sees Brooding Guy, and goes over to him. She asks, "Oh Brooding Guy, why are you so alone? So glum? The world is such a wonderful place!" And crawls into his lap.
Brooding Guy mutters, "Because my family was killed. I watched as my wife was raped, and my children were fed to the chickens."
She replies, "Oh brooding guy! I'm so sorry! I feel your pain! I never knew my father, my mother left when I was three, and I was raised by nuns who were all gunned-down before my very eyes! But it's time to get over them! Here, press your face in my cleavage, everything will be better!"
And he says "mmmrph mmmmf mmmmf!" Which translates to "Oh! Look! You're right! Everything is better! My family doesn't matter! They're dead and gone! I have you! You're wonderful! You make me feel alive again!"
And she says "Let's go to my apartment!"

Staff get goofy on the channel.

[Staff] Eos would like to announce that I'm Star's bitch. Thank you very much.
[Staff] Astraea cracks her whip.
[Staff] Eos smiles
[Staff] Herne says, "As long as I get to be Star's hatrack, I don't mind... ;)"
[Staff] Astraea says, "Is it a problem if I don't have a hat?"
[Staff] Herne will just stand around in the corner of your office, looking hopeful, then ;)
[Staff] Eos says, "You can be her whip rack."
[Staff] Astraea says, "Yeah!"
[Staff] Astraea says, "For those rare occasions when I'm not using it on you, Eos."
[Staff] Eos whimpers
[Staff] Astraea says, "That's what you get for *thinking*. And on your *own*, even."
[Staff] Eos sighs, "Bad Eos, I should submit to the goddess in all things."
[Staff] Herne likes the idea of a whip-rack - as long as it gets used on me every now and again, at least ;)
[Staff] Eos LOL!
[Staff] Astraea says, "Don't worry, Herne. I'll use it on anyone who thwarts me. Or appears to be thwarting me. Or whom I might possibly suspect might eventually one day try to thwart me. I'm just that kinda gal."
[Staff] Herne might one day try to thwart you. "I believe in world domination, as long as it's me doing the dominating. I'm sure we'll cross swords at some point..."
[Staff] Astraea cracks her whip at Herne! No! How dare you defy me!
[Staff] Herne says, "Ooh, goddess, I'll defy you every step of the way if you'll treat me like this!"
[Staff] Eos says, "Uh oh, we've got a rebel in the ranks!"
[Staff] Herne sticks a sign to his back. 'Will rebel for whippings'.
[Staff] Eos giggles
[Staff] Astraea looks petulant.
[Staff] Herne applies big puppy-dog eyes to Star. "Please?"
[Staff] Astraea says, "I suspect you're thwarting me."
[Staff] Eos starts thinking her own! "Darklings should be normal! Mongrels should have magic! Varati should be 90 pound weakings!
[Staff] Eos dances around tossing out ideas all of her own creation!
[Staff] Herne cowers. "Mistress, no! I wouldn't dare to thwart you, O my Goddess, my divine light, my glory, my all!"
[Staff] Astraea says, "Nooooo! *whips you both* I might have to resort to smiting, next!"
[Staff] Herne says, "Ooh, smite us! Smite us, we deserve it! We're very naughty people! Crucifixion is too good for us - smite us, I say!"
[Staff] Eos says, "Delphi should collapse and kill all the students! Mongrels should own gryphons! Atlanteans should start kicking people in the streets!"
[Staff] Herne says, "Sylvans should live for ever! Empyreans eunt domus!"
[Staff] Astraea says, "Aaah! Infidels! You're rebelling against my supreme Goddessness! How dare you!"
[Staff] Astraea smites you both!
[Staff] Herne likes it.
[Staff] Eos says, "Anyone who wants to be an Avatar can be one! Anyone can come back to life, if only se we can have a Khalid vs Cassius Death Match in the Rialto!"
[Staff] Astraea will bring him back and make him a god so *he* can smite everyone! I'll squash 'em all like bugs! Blasphemers! They're all against me! I know it! It's all a big conspiracy!
[Staff] Astraea starts foaming at the mouth.
[Staff] Eos LOL!
[Staff] Eos says, "My, aren't *we* attractive."
[Staff] Astraea grins.
[Staff] Eos says, "Ok, lets stick this on the humor page :)"
[Staff] Astraea grins. To show everyone how imbalanced I am? ;)
[Staff] Eos says, "Yes"

Songs, Stories, and Silliness:

Here is a poem that Eleggua adapted from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" (http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/walrus.html).

The Wyvern and the Amir-al:

Masad shone down on Lycenae;
His light began to grow;
He did his very best to make
The billowing embers glow--
And this was odd 'cause after all,
It's Empy land, you know.

Kronos, he was sulking,
Because he thought Masad
Had got no business to be there
As a Varati god--
"It's very rude of him," he said,
"He's always such a clod."

The rain was wet as wet could be,
The lava dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky;
No gryphons flying overhead--
For there were none to fly.

The Wyvern and the Amir-al
Had no more heads to bash;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of ash;
"If this stuff isn't cleared away,"
They said, "We just may crash!"

"If seven Shudra waving fans
Waved them for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Wyvern said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Amir-al,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Empys, come and fly with us!"
The Wyvern did beseech.
"A pleasant stroll, a pleasant roll,
Around the fiery breach;
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Empy looked at her,
But never a word he said;
The eldest Empy winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave his cozy bed.

But four young Empys hurried up,
All eager for the treat;
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd because, you know,
The lava'd singed their feet.

Four other Empys followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy mist,
And scrambling to the fore.

The Wyvern and the Amir-al
Flew on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a hill
Conveniently low;
And all the little Empys stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Wyvern said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and patchouli--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why Lycenae's boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Empys cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Amir-al.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Wyvern said,
"Is what we chiefly need;
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Empys dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Empys cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Wyvern said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Amir-al said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Wyvern said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them flap so quick!"
The Amir-al said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Wyvern said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears she sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding her pocket-handkerchief
Before her streaming eyes.

"O Empys," said the Amir-al,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be flying home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

Diana's player, in the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy, gave us 15 indications that you "might be an Aether addict if..."

1. You find yourself classifying your co-workers into Empyreans, Varati, Sylvans, Atlanteans, and Mongrels.
2. Your idea of a hot night on the town is connecting and waltzing on down to the Rialto to catch up on the latest gossip.
3. You march over to your local DMV and demand to be considered for veteran license plates for having survived the Varati-Empyrean War.
4. You flip through the channels and catch sight of one of those 976-CALLME ads and could swear they say
   1 (900) CYP-RIAN.
5. You wonder why it is everyone keeps referring to the "lost" city of Atlantis as lost, when all they really need to do is visit the game to find it.
6. You firmly believe all criminals should be turned into jackasses or else fed to wyverns.
7. You find yourself unable to recall who the last three presidents were, but you can name the last three Emperors of Civitas Dei and even remember crying when the last one fell.
8. You are convinced that the entire 'flower power' movement in the 60's and 70's was orchestrated by the Sylvan tribes.
9. Everytime your friend mentions the word 'Avalon,' you think of that horrible place filled with mongrels... King Arthur who???
10. You find yourself refusing to eat:
• chicken because it reminds you of your poor Empyrean...
• pork because it reminds you of your poor Varati....
• beef because it reminds you of your poor Sylvan...
• fish because it reminds you of your poor Atlantean.
  Thank the gods for hot dogs, oh wait... you play a mongrel too. :)
11. You find yourself paying more and more attention to vibrant-colored scarves and wondering just which style of veils are in season this year.
12. Getting your picture taken has long since been replaced by hunting down Star or Drusus and begging them to do a character sketch of your PC. (BTW, when do I get mine? :>) (Why gosh, Diz, it's right here!)
13. You find yourself nominating Drusus for President in the next election (on a write-in ballot of course)
14. You write the producers on the WB network suggesting a great new series -- Elidi, The Varati Slayer.
    

*** AND FINALLY ***

15. You spend your entire evening, staring blindly at paper, while trying to think up silly lists like this one. :)

Anyone who's ever heard the infamous "A$$hole Song" by Denis Leary should appreciate this little number by Caius Antoninus.

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the Empyrean Dream. About me, about you. About the way our Empyrean blood flows way out into the pinfeathers of our wings... Maybe above the pinfeathers, maybe in the secondary feathered area. Maybe through the heart, maybe through the liver, but never, ever through the servants... just say no.

Oh I'm just a regular hawk, who's a little bit big,
I'm your average winged Praetorian pig.
I like Pilums and armor and waging of war,
I've got an honorable boss, who is a little bit sore.
No wife, and no kids, it must be a sign.
Sitting here in Haven, with a goblet of wine.

But sometimes that just ain't enough
to keep a man like me interested.
(Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)
No I've gotta go out and have fun
at someone else's expense. (Oh yeah)
Yeah yeah, Yeah-yeah-yeah

I land very slow and kick up clouds of dust,
while mongrels around me don't even dare to cuss...

<Chorus>

I'm an a$$hole, (He's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole) I'm an a$$hole (He's the world's biggest a$$hole)

Sometimes I'll laugh in a Varati face,
while Varati blood spills all over the place...

<Chorus>

I insult and offend every Delphite I meet,
I walk around in Civitas Dei saying 'How about this heat?'

<Chorus>

Maybe I shouldn't be acting this way:
Making good people sad every day.
Maybe I should, when they say: Go away -- Nah!

<Chorus>

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me a 3865 Gryphon-drawn chariot, bright bronze with mongrel skin hubcaps, and all leather-Halfbreed interior, and two big brown baby Varati eyes for headlights, Yeah! And I'm gonna cruise around in that baby, sucking down ambrosia by the f*ckin' bottle, and when I'm done I'm gonna spit on the Varati flag, and throw those empty bottles down into the middle of the Sylvan forests, and the ain't a Godsdamned thing you can do about it, you know why? Two words: Praetorian f*cking Guard. Avalon, Orcinus, Orman, they can have all the military they want - They can have a big naval cakewalk right down the middle of Haven's harbor, and it won't make a lick of difference, because we-got-the Guard, ok? Lysander Acesian ain't dead, he's frozen, and when we find the cure for Varati, we're gonna thaw out the Deus and he's gonna be pretty pissed off, you know why? Have you ever had a really nice plan ruined? Well multiply that by about 15 million times, and that's how pissed off the Deus is gonna be, and I'm gonna get the Deus, and Cassius Augustin, and Aeneas Acesian, and Zephyr, (Hey) and a Legion of Praetors, (Hey!) and we're gonna fly down to the Masada, (Hey-Hey-Hey! You know you really are an a$$hole?) Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, Andros?

<Chorus>

I'm an a$$hole, and I'm proud of it.

Lyrics and lead vocals: Caius Antoninus
Lead Guitar: Hermia Gracius
Backup vocals: Andros Diamede
Produced & Directed by: Selene Acesian
Recorded at: Flying Pig Studios

The following "skit" was submitted by Kuronbo's player. It is in no way intended to offend or upset anyone. It was written purely in fun, and not out of a sense of malice or spite. Besides, it pokes fun at darn near everyone, so don't assume it was meant as a personal insult.

The Jerry Springer Show - Aether Style!

<It is a huge studio, jam packed with a large crowd of all the different races of Aether dressed in whatever garb that is appropriate for them. Suddenly, the lights dim slightly and cheezy music begins to play. The camera shifts slightly to the right and it reveals that this is the 'Jerry Springer Show.' Jerry comes out from the side and waves in an exaggerated motion to the crowd.>

Jerry Springer says cheerily, "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Today's show is about 'Love and Betrayal in the Palladium!' Now our studio guests today have no idea what this topic is about, and we ask that you keep the secret until the surprise is popped."

At the mention of 'Love and Betrayal in the Palladium', three-fourths of the Empyreans in the crowd look at each other nervously while the Varati begin to snicker.

Jerry Springer is oblivious to the discomfiture and laughter of the crowd and says, "Let's introduce our guests... Cassius Augustin and Elidi Augustin! Both of them are noted Empyreans and have been married for little less than a year, but already Elidi is due with their first child. What a loving couple!"

Cassius strides into the studio and towards his chair in much the same way Ed Wood walked onto the set of 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' while the VERY pregnant Elidi trails behind him with all the grace and grandeur of one of the Macy Day's Parade Balloons. They both sit next to each other with cheesy smiles on their faces and they both wave to the Empyrean section of the crowd. The Empyreans are sitting in the top rows, and oddly enough, none of them have their backs to each other.

Jerry Springer walks up and says, "So, how are you this afternoon? Enjoying yourselves?"

Cassius <looking a lot like Jeremy Irons> nods and says, "Of course, Jerry. Both me and Pumpkin here... <smile and kissy face made to his wife> were delighted to hear that you were doing a segment on the horrors that the Varati inflicted during the war and we both naturally were happy to appear."

'Pumpkin' <AKA Elidi Augustin> nods emphatically and mutters, "(Bleep)in Varati."

In the third row, Faisal stands up and gives Elidi the finger and mutters some insult in Varati.

Jerry Springer cants his head and says, "Oh come come... we are all friends here." He then turns once more to survey the crowd, looking towards the second row where Orman Kai, Amaris Marina, and Orcinus Kuronbo are sitting chatting merrily. Jerry smiles and then says, "Well, Elidi... if you would, please tell us a little about your husband first.."

"My husband..." Elidi begins with a dreamy and breathless sigh, "...is the most charming and honorable man that I have ever known. He is a politician and a statesmen, and epitomizes everything that is ideal in an Empyrean male," Elidi then smiles lecherously and says, "He is also hung like a Bull-Moose."

At the sound of the last comment, the crowd goes nuts and several of the female members of the audience swoon as Cassius stands and flexes for the crowd, "That's right, ladies, I am a Love Machine." Meanwhile, Jenean looks down at Cassius from her seat and shrugs and says to her daughter Uncial, "Whatever."

Jerry Springer smiles at the display that Elidi's comment has invoked and he turns his head and frowns slightly at the second row, where Orman Kai, a trio of Pallid Warriors, and Orcinus Kuronbo are sitting chatting merrily. He moves on though and he inquires, "And Cassius, our researchers showed that you spent some time as a prisoner of the Varati. What do you have to say about Varati hospitality?"

Cassius frowns and says, "Quite frankly, Jerry, it sucks." The Varati in the crowd begin to boo but Cassius says, "They made me sleep in a barn and do menial work, as well as beating me severely and making fun of my performance in 'Die Hard 3.' They were very uncivilized. And worst of all, Atesh-Gah smells like a litter box--OW!" A peach bounces off Cassius's head and Elania growls at Cassius from the fourth row, "Watch it, (Bleep)tard."

Jerry Springer is standing near the second row, his brow definitely furrowed in a deep frown as he looks to the second row where a trio of Pallid Warriors and Orcinus Kuronbo are sitting. The Dark Atlantean looks up at Jerry and says, 'What?' Jerry just shakes his head and states, "Well, before we ask our next few questions, we have a special treat... the Gem-Inn Dance Review!"

The lights dim and the Right Said Fred's 'I'm too Sexy' begins to play as the Gem-Inn Dance Review strolls out. The three of them, Ranjeet, Spirit-Whisperer, and Thomas are all dressed in Leopard Skin Thongs and are covered in hot palm oil as they begin to gyrate their hips like pistons and dance. Once again, the women go wild as the dancers get on all fours and begin making 'Tiger' noises. Many Shadows has to be led out of the Studio as she attempts to tear off Spirit-Whisperer's thong with her teeth.

Jenean surveys the scene below with predatory eyes and says conspiratorially to her daughter Uncial, "Hell, I would pay that one there to roll in the hay with me," as she points to Ranjeet, who is spanking himself with riding crop... splashing hot palm oil onto the adoring fans.

This primordial display of atavistic feminine lust goes on for several moments before the dancers leave the stage and the show is delayed while Paramedics resuscitate Ambriel. Afterwards, Jerry Springer restarts the show and he looks directly at Elidi, "You mentioned earlier that Cassius epitomizes all that is noble amongst the Empyrean race... would you say fidelity is one of those attributes?"

Elidi looks suspiciously at Jerry and says, "Yeah, I would say that it is a very big part... what are you getting at?" She steals a look over at Cassius, who is looking wistfully at the exit where the Dancers had just left.

Jerry Springer raises both of his arms in triumph and says, "Well, Elidi... we got a suprise for you... take a look at this video that we obtained!" The lights dim and a large screen T.V. sputters to life, showing Shahar Khalida dressed in a Harem Girl outfit riding a saddle that is tied to Cassius' back. He prances around the room on all fours <he is also wearing a diaper, strangely enough> as the sultry Shahar says, "Faster, my Magnificient Steed... Faster," in a voice so husky, it could pull a sled.

The crowd looks at the T.V. screen in a state of shock... the only person who speaks is Cassandra, the Magus Clairvoyant. "I knew this was going to happen," she says smugly.

Elidi turns pale and her mouth opens and closes with no words coming out as Cassius raises his hands and says, "Pumpkin, it isn't what it seems... Pumpkin..." Jerry Springer interrupts and says, "Hey, let's introduce the star of that sordid little video, Shahar!"

Shahar comes walking out to the cheers of the Varati and the boos of the Empyreans, but she barely makes it a few paces before Elidi jumps upward and snarls, "You rank whore!" and flings a chair across the studio at Shahar. Shahar gets knocked flat on her back and Elidi lands astride her... but before she can do more damage, a whole wave of Hounds tackle them both and attempt to pull them away. Both of the women have their hands tangled up in each other's hair and Shahar is screaming, "I'll mark up the other side of your face, you stinkin' (Bleep)tch!"

After peace is restored and both of the women have taken seats on either side of a now red Cassius, Jerry Springer looks at Elidi and says cheerfully, "So, how do you feel about this, Pumpkin?" Before Elidi can answer, Cassius attempts to weasel his way out of it, "She meant nothing to me, Pumpkin... she was not even that good in the sack... OW!" Cassius recoils as Elidi smacks him across the face and yells, "You Mother(Bleep)er!"

In the fifth row, Okalani stands up and screams, "That's right, Sister...You don't have to take that from no man!"

Jerry Springer obviously enjoys all the mayhem that he has called, and in anticipation of further outbreaks, he calls in more Hounds to quell any further disturbances. Jerry Springer looks at the crowd and says, "Before we go any further, let us cut to the MC so we he can show you what we have in store for the next show."

<The lights dim yet again and a image of Khalid Atar appears, and bright red letters superimpose themselves over the profile, 'Debauchery in the Harem.' The scene cuts to a lavish room full of silks and a giant pillow. Hepzibah is dressed in a pink bunny suit and is dancing at the end of chain with a disgusted look on her face while Khalid Atar claps in time to the music. The screen pans right and an equally disgusted Farouk attempts to speak but Khalid Atar cuts him off and says imperiously, "Damn it, Man...If I want Mongrel Midgets to film my Lovemaking, I will have Mongrel Midgets film my Lovemaking!" Farouk spins around and says, "I quit!" Khalid laughs and waves a dismissing hand and then yanks the chain and yells, "Who's the God-King, Baby? Who's the God-King?" The lights come back in and the MC says, "Next Week On Jerry Springer!">

Jerry Springer appears after the commercial break and stands behind a fuming Elidi and a downcast-looking Cassius. Shahar looks on smugly at the crowd and occasionally waves to her Varati compatriots, who look back her nervously and wave. In the rear of the room, Aurora looks at Drusus and says, "Thank the Gods we are above this sort of thing." There is silence for a moment, and then they both burst out into hysterical laughter.

Jerry Springer looks at Elidi and says, "You are obviously fairly upset by this..." Elidi glares at Jerry and interrupts, "You are (Bleep)in' right, (Bleep)hole." Jerry Springer laughs lightly and says, "Obviously... however, our resident Doctor did a file search and came up with a very interesting revelation." Cassius looks up and cants his head in curiosity as Jason, the Healer, comes in holding a still shot of an ultra-sound and he states, "Take a look at what we have obtained!" The shot of the ultra-sound comes up on the screen and the crowd gasps...

Elidi looks mortified and states, "Oh my God, that looks like..."

Cassius looks horrified and says, "...Dante? Dante!" Cassius turns around and glares at Elidi and says, "You told me you broke that off before we got married?" Meanwhile, Shahar laughs lightly and gives Jerry Springer a high-five, as the Varati in the crowd go, 'Woof-Woof-Woof.'

Elidi looks contrite and attempts to search for words, "Cassius... I can explain. It was when you were away on the busines trip..." Elidi fumbles valiantly for words, but then turns pale as all the Agni-Haidar in the second row turn around and moon the Empyreans on the stage and shout, "You Suck!"

Jerry Springer looks apologetically at the crowd and says, "Unfortunately, Dante was found dead in the Siren's Song, having choked on vomit." Jerry Springer loooks at his card and says, "The Hounds have yet to determine if the vomit was his own or not... but we are sure that Dante would have wanted to be here at the birth of his son."

<Meanwhile, a voice speaks in hushed tones to the crowd, 'What Elidi does not know is that Dante really died of an acute case of Genital Warts.' The crowd gasps and looks on expectantly for this particualr revelation to be made. Meanwhile, Jenean leans over her daughter and points to one of her cyprians, whispering, "You're fired, you diseased tramp.">

Jerry Springer is standing near the top of the room next to Shinjukou and he begins to state, "So Elidi..."

Shinjukou interrupts, "..how do.."

Jerry looks angrily at Shinjukou and interrupts, "...explain this...."

Shinjukou retorts, "...situation to..."

Jerry looks at her with even more anger in his eyes, "...your husband..."

Shinjukou looks levelly at Jerry Springer with triumph in her eyes, "..Cassius."

Jerry Springer finally decides to ignore the Telepath and walks down the stairs as Elidi sputters, "I don't know what to say..." But Shahar leans over Cassius and states, "Hey, Sister, just consider it sharing the wealth!" Elidi raises her hand to slap at Shahar but turns red as a group of Sylvans up the corner begin making 'Mooing' sounds at 'Bull-Moose' Cassius. Cassius stands up and yells at the crowd with narrowed eyes, "You go to Hell... you go to Hell and you die!"

Jerry Springer holds up a hand for silence and says, "Well, Cassius... before we go, we think that there is one more thing that you should know..." Cassius moans and looks at Jerry Springer and says, "What could be worse than her having a commoner's baby?" Elidi folds her hands across her torso and looks on with nervous anticipation as Jerry holds up his arms like the proverbial ringmaster and says, "So, Elidi... Dante really died of an acute case of Genital Warts!!!"

The crowd roars in delight at this final turn of events and Elidi turns green with horror and mewls, "He told me that he was 'Ribbed for my Pleasure'!!!!" and she promptly runs out of the Studio, her hand over her mouth. Meanwhile, Shahar turns equally green and she looks like she is about to be sick as she says, "Cassius, you told me that you were 'Ribbed for my Pleasure'!!!"

Cassius shrugs and cannot say a thing, but just then, Kiral leaps out of the crowd and promptly begins to trounce the Empyrean... it is like the bell of a prize fight as Praetorians and Agni-Haidar jump into the fray and begin to square off. Sylvans begin to clap in delight and Atlanteans try to moderate.

Jerry Springer manages to extricate himself out of the fray and he moves off to the side as he begins the final speech, "What we have learned here today, ladies and gentlemen, is that honesty is always the best policy. People are always playing lip service to such things as honesty and politeness, but then we have sordid little incidents such as this. In the end, I guess the best policy is 'News Etiquette Sentence Five'!" <In the background, a voice screams "That's not right! That's not right! News Mongrel...ACK!" as the speaker is (Bleep)tch-Slapped by some unknown party.>

"At any rate, we will see you next week for 'Debauchery in the Harem!' Until then, be good to each other!"

<The camera pans backward, showing the crowd fighting and there is music with the title, "The Jerry Springer Show" flashing in the backround.>

Petulant bottoms and loquacious eyebrows... ahh, the goofiness that is spawned on the Admin channel. When these subjects were raised, they moved Tiberius' player to song, and here are the verses he composed:

Ode to a Loquacious Eyebrow
O, thou hairiest of arches,
Quirking so eloquently,
Wouldst thou not speak for mine pleasure?
I beg thee, oh most expressive facial feature
Hate me not, for I must
Shave the hair that joins thee with thy brother.

Ode to a Petulant Bottom
Ah, for gentle breezes,
When the weather fair doth bestir thee to crankiness,
And from thy cushions, thou hast arisen--
Jiggling, methinks, with suppressed emotion
Wilt thou grumble musically for my sake alone?
I would repay thee with blows, from a hand well-callused...

On second thought, methinks thou wouldst enjoy it far too much.

Young Varati children need to learn their alphabet sometime, and Drisana's player has written a helpful "guide." Here it is, for your reading pleasure:

Drisana's Alphabet
A stands for Ardon, so evil and mean.
B stands for Bal, with a mind incredibly keen.
C stands for Cyrus, I mean just.. *damn*.
D stands for Dahaba, who plays her, I am!
E stands for Empyreans, Behzad kills 'em, it's true!
F stands for Faisal, he doesn't like us, boohoo.
G stands for Ganikas, my daddy likes 'em, you'll see.
H stands for houris, not that different, except for the respect and status, they receive.
I stands for incarnation, I just hope that Ardon doesn't get one too soon.
J stands for Jamila, the Warlord's babe, she makes me swoon.
K stands for Clan Khalida, our God-King, hope he won't want a Behzad BBQ.
L stands for leyang, Bal would like to see me wear a seethrough one and nothing else, how about you?
M stands for muruah, it's TMI, I'm forbidden to say.
N stands for naraki, we could use a couple, join us today!
O stands for Opal, that's my almost Behzad char, she's a cook.
P stands for the Pasha, Sakhr doesn't like him, so Arslan we want to wook.
Q is the many questions, Drisana why, did you do this list?
R is my simple reason, I felt like doing, something different, than going around with my head in the mist.
S is for Sandhya, Seif and Sakhr, all these S's, we need a T.
T stands for the smith, he's an NPC, weeh!
U stands for Ushas, she's Atar's mother, but without mercy for us.
V stands for vaisya, we need more people, be Behzad you mus(t)!
W is for our wyverns, our cool dragons, muy magnifico!
X stands for Xerxes, Ishmael caught Kaspar like you wouldn't believo.
Y stands for yataghan, Adham can probably wield his better than most.
Z stands for Zami, the last member, and now, for Behzad, a toast!

In honor of the holidays, Elidi's player submitted the following "Aether carols." Enjoy!

The Twelve Days of Aethermas
On the first day of Aethermas,
my true love sent to me
A Halfbreed Pirate sailing on the sea.

On the second day of Aethermas,
my true love sent to me
Two arbalists,
And a Halfbreed Pirate sailing on the sea.

On the third day of Aethermas,
my true love sent to me
Three quill pens,
Two arbalists,
And a Halfbreed Pirate sailing on the sea.

...Four amphoras...
...Five Golden Praetors...
...Six Aegians lying...
...Seven Sylvans swilling...
...Eight Mongrels milking...
...Nine Delphites dancing...
...Ten Decemvirs ruling...
...Eleven gladiators...
...Twelve Agni-Haidar...

Grandma Got Run Over by a Wyvern

CHORUS:
Grandma got run over by a wyvern
Walking home from our House the other eve.
You can say the Khalid never comes here,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

She had drunk too much ambrosia,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot that it was wartime,
And she staggered out the door
into the snow.

When we found her the next morning,
At the scene of the attack
She had burn marks on her forehead,
And incriminating scale cuts
on her back.

CHORUS

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's not even made a scene.
See him in there at the Siren,
Drinking beer and playing footsie
with Jenean.

It's not Haven without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in grey.
And we just can't help but wonder
if the next time Khalid visits,
will he stay?
GO AWAY!!!

CHORUS

Now the bread is on the table
The ambrosia and the cheese
And the blue and silver candles,
Whose flames would flutter
In the wake of Grandma's wheeze.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours,
Better keep watch and take turns.
Those uncouth, unwashed Varati,
Might come back one night again
and give us burns!

Sing it, Grandpa!

CHORUS

Hark the Halo-Chakram Zings
Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"

Hark the Halo-Chakram zings
Leaving gory, headless things!
Bound to earth, Varati wild!
Kill them all: man, woman, and child!
Joyful all ye nations rise!
Join the battle! Fight the lies!
With angelic troops proclaim
'Varati we will kill and maim!'
Hark the Halo-Chakram zings
Leaving gory, headless things!

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

Here are a few links that could provide hours of amusement. Just type in the URL to one of your favorite logs and laugh away:

• The Dialectizer will "dialectize" your web-page into Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Moron, or Pig Latin.
• English to Jive Translator does just what is says--it translates a pose or passage into "jive." Try it, turkey!
• Valley URL converts your web-pages into Valley Girl-speak. Like, totally, fer shure!

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